Imogen Heap's Wait it Out. Get lost in the moment.

Hug Gala Ball - The Sovereign

We shook it like a polaroid picture... all night. All right!

roughing it.

I am pretty pleased with myself.
I did 3 adventurous things this week:

a) Camp
b) Camp with a couple on my own, and slept in my own tent alone in the pitch black night.
c) Walked/Trekked 20km in 4 hrs

And it feels good.
To top it off, we saw 3 rainbows, 1 wallaby, & 4 wombats within the 3 days we were there - perfect or no?
To say I enjoyed challenging myself is an understatement. As much as it might have been painful at times (not just the walking, but the fear of the pitch darkness and being stuck with a couple), it was a good time and the end result just makes me even more self aware and struck by how much i have grown from the incident.
I'm ready for the next challenge... as soon as I've recovered from this one.

Music: Matchbox20, Mika, Queen
Book: Veronika Decides to Die by Paulo Coelho - a stunning book, I finished it under the lamp in the tent, in Brett's sandy car, and at the train station with my 26L backpack on.
What is the meaning of madness? We think we know what madness is and it is not us. Someone else is always the mad one, we are normal ones. Perhaps though, the mad ones are the normal ones as they are able to do what they want, they know no boundaries in behaviour or thought, they are unsocialised, unheld by labels: doctors, lawyers, policemen... Most of us normal ones are embittered people who continue to live outside institutions, keeping our madness/depression inside, through high walls created.
An interesting theory, Paulo Coelho has done it again.

the fear you wouldn't fall

Someone gorgeous told me not to be so scared of everything in life. Indeed, fear does take up a large amount of my emotional bank and I'm hoping to cut off its investment.
Fear paralyses, which leads to inaction, which then leads to regret of not doing, or a realisation that I have led my life cowering away underneath the stairs.
So next wednesday, when I will perform my first 'solo' song with the choir, I will NOT be paralysed by fear. I reckon i'm a pretty okay singer and with a choir of about 15-20 backing me, i can't be more supported as a soloist can I?
Not to mention the fact that I will only be performing one verse only:

"Father father, there's no need to escalate.
You see, war is not the answer, for only love can conquer hate.
You know we've got to find a way,
To bring some lovin' here today."

Easy peasy, plus the words would come from the heart.

Yes, I will be all right.

Sometimes, you just want the familiar.

Cornucopia of dazzling moments in a day

it started hailing today while i was on my bike.
Pelted down like little stones from the sky, fiercely upon my DB & me.
I looked down - i got cut by a hailstone.

Running by the river this morning,
Little ducks paddling furiously next to mother duck.
Upon noticing my gaping figure, just several yards from them,
the little darlings scrabbled under mother duck's wing.

The bone was left by the raven on the porch.
I was slightly disgusted, but of course.
The raven returned for the bone and flew off with it - saved me the hassle.

Youtube star - you will go far.

always in the periphery

I get the sense that I am sometimes on the periphery of society,
Wanting to remain on the periphery, happy to,
But still nudging my way forward.
I damn those technological advancements, those smarty pants,
those changes which have changed our social roles and social expectations.

"It is not the things in themselves which trouble us, but the opinions we have about them" - Epitecus

My favourite movies...ever

1. Kate & Leopold - handsome duke from the 18th century? check. hugh jackman? check. meg ryan? check. I am in love with love when i watch this lovely romantic comedy. And I know i'm not the only one!

2. Lars & the real girl - slightly sad but makes you want to live in a close knit community, such as the one Lars (Ryan gosling) is living in in the movie. What kind of community goes along with the pretense that your blow up sex doll which you truly believe is your soulmate... is exactly a blow up sex doll?

3. 27 Dresses - Katrine Heigl and James (from x men - i can't remember his last name at this moment). Excellent duo, witty punchlines, and a love so sweet you can't help but want to live in new york and have a sad single life so that the right man can come along.
Or not.

4. Kill Bill - awesome 70s and 80s movies music, awesome art direction, awesome lines, pretty lady in cool fighting costume kicking men's asses... girl power at its best! Revenge is sweet and served on top of whipped cream draping chocolate ice cream and bananas...

5. Centre Stage - Dance, nothing left for me to do but dance when i watch this B list movie. Contemporary Ballet and high school politics go very well together.

6. 17 Again - Zac Efron, i normally don't like. But in this movie, he is fabulously charming with his lack of knowledge of what's cool and what's not as he plays Matthew Perry reversed puberty.

7. 300 - Hot men, hot cinematography, hot lines, hot effects, hot hot hot!

8. The Proposal - Cliche story about high powered girl, don't know how to live life, in steps cute boy, who teaches her to live again. Not to mention there's Ryan Renolds.

going to sleep

The room is dark, but it has always been, at least for the past few months.
Or was it years?
Dark images, blobs, a comforting pat on the head and a soft soothing sound,
But you cannot make out the words,
your world has gone soft and dark for a while now.
She is gone, but gone for a while, i don't understand.
She's not with me now, but at least the other is.
Voices, but you don't understand
You just want the pain to end. You know it is going to end and in that knowledge, you are relieved.
Jagged sobs, you hear the words, 'Good boy, it's going to be okay'.
And you understand Good. You used to be a good boy, when you finished your food, when you listened.
You know you are going to be fine.
Then, a strange hand touches you, but it is warm.
A sharp pain, but nothing really happens for a while.
You wait, the sleepiness washes over you like gentle waves upon the shore.
Lapping at you, calling you
You remember flashes, flashes in black and white, of grass, of sky, of people, of youth, of life, of ball and bones.
You remember people, others like you, but it is time.
Closer, closer, closer, and then, the pain is gone.
And you are free.

tony birch

"success depends on your ability to be generous."

Tods - i reckon you will be very successful.

i just want to hurl.

a reminder by packer et al. 2002

The structural violence inherent in economic and political hierarchies privilege the few at the expense of the many and in doing so deny them access to channels of power, resources, communication, and participation.

case of overconnectedness

It is the typical case of over-connectedness.
All you feel is emptiness.

conversations with god

I really think NDW should change the title of his books - as the very title can turn people off. For those with a religion, the book may be seen as blasphemous - how dare this man claim he has conversations with God - and hence, avoid the book from 1/2 a bookshelf away.
For those without a religion, the book may be seen as overzealous and an imposition of one man's values upon others and hence, too avoid the book from 1/2 a bookshelf away.

In fact, the book is none of that. It reflects all the profound beliefs I had about god, the universe, and life, but of course in a more succinct manner than my random thoughts.
Yet, I cannot digest it whole - the book, the ideas within, are hard to swallow. So I savor it slow, tasting it and then chewing slowly, trying to decide if it fits in with my own still-shaping philosophy on life.

Last night, 2 excepts caught my eye:

"Feeling good" is the soul's way of shouting "This is who i am!"
Have you ever been in a classroom where the teacher was taking attendance - calling the roll - and when you name was called you had to say "here"?
Well, "feeling good" is the soul's way of saying "here!"

Self-denial is self-destruction.
Yet also know this - self-regulation is not self-denial. Regulating one's behaviour is an active choice to do or not do something based on one's decision regarding who they are. If you declare that you are a person who respects the rights of others, a decision not to steal or rob from them, not to rape and plunder, is hardly self-denial. It is self-declaration. That is why it is said that the measure of how far one has evolved is what makes one feel good.
If acting irresponsibly, if behaving in a way which you know might damage others or cause hardship or pain, is what makes you 'feel good', then you have not evolved very far.

bird wings

At this moment, I feel like I can be anything I want to be.

hilarious

losing things, losing control.

I absolutely hate losing things, particularly things which i warned myself not to lose.
Worse, when the things you lose comes with a price.
I can't help but feel irritated and then distracted for the rest of the day because the feeling that the money is now going to be so unnecessarily spent keeps coming back to haunt me.

I need to stop letting these tiny things get to me.

dancing and music.

I vow to go dancing more often, with or without alcohol.
To check out the Nightcat in the city or in Fitzroy

Imogen Heap - my latest music crush

As someone commented, Imogen Heap's music is like art pouring out of the speakers.
She writes her music according to her feelings and emotions for the day, an does not stick to a particular genre of music, although all of them are distinctly imogen heap, if that makes any sense at all. I suppose you can think of it as being angry one day, happy the next, depressed the day after, but essentially you are still you.
I particularly love her acapellas and her soul sides, because I connect the most to them, but that said, i do enjoy some of her funky, quirky tunes, such as Aha! in her latest album, Ellipse.
She calls her music 'lovely layers', and you can certainly see this come through in the layering of the instruments and voices.
Take a listen and decide for yourself.

the title of my blog is apt - disparate thoughts...

A stream-of-consciousness email sent to 2 of my best friends this morning:

I was just thinking... I don't know if I will ever have a 'title' in my career.

I wouldn't be a chemist, a nutritionist, a dietician, a photographer, a designer, a doctor.

Would I be an 'admistrator'?? A 'coordinator'?

Not that I despise having such a title but I can't help but feel like it's so generic. Pardon the narcissism but I guess when I was younger, I thought I was made for something. You know? I know it sounds egoistic but I guess I thought I would be a specialised person, a person with a trade skill.

I don't know, obviously my choices along the way in life has resulted in this and I know there are enjoyable jobs with these titles but I can't help but feel a little...strange.

Yesterday I was speaking to X on MSN and she said (jokingly obviously), "When are you coming back into reality? You know, stop studying!" after I told her about my trip to NYC.

I lamely replied, partly because of my shock, that I was working part time, while juggling a whole bunch of things on my plate.

Yet, I know there was more I could've said. She then added as an afterthought, "well you will probably earn tons of money later anyway!" Which then made me more upset when really, need I be? I know I am not living for the money but then to have a good friend's expectations thrust upon you, it's not hard to ignore.

I told Leon this and he was quite annoyed with X. He said that there are many versions of reality to a person and working is not the only reality. University isn't the only reality either but there are experiences that come out of it that are tailored for a person - adds to life's experiences.

I think that's so true and I am currently reading a book now about philosophy of life/god and a point that reflected what Leon was saying was that about there is only one moment that exists and that is now. We create time but time is arbitrary. And I think time enables people or society to create this sort of...illusion or idea that reality is this: after uni, get a job, work 5 days a week, play on the weekends if you can, but you need to work, then get married, then have children. That is reality for many, and the governments too propagate this version of reality because that's what serves the government and the global capitalist system doesn' it? IF we all work 5 days a week, we create income/profit and we all know money makes the world go round.

I am trying to wrap my head around this multiple versions of reality and finding my own version and sticking to it.

Yet, I find it hard because we are social beings and we feed off each other's thoughts and actions. We can't do what makes us happy all the time because... then we deviate from the path of normality and then we have a label stuck on to us 'kooky' or 'wasted'. Wasted resources - wasted time and money. Wasted investment.

As much as I try, it seems the world system is way too big for individuals to change, isn't it.

chlorine

I enjoy the smell of chlorine on my fingers, traces of the pool lingering.
Somehow, the memory of it is 10 times more joyful than the moment itself.

Perhaps that is why we take photos? The moment may be beautiful, but sometimes, really not as beautiful as its memory.

weddings and engagements

I was never one to really think and dream about marriage, kids, and the whole package.
Never wanted to think about getting tied down to one place and a bunch of little things jumping and screaming for your attention. So, never did.
However, as my 25th birthday approaches and the number of 'Oh my God, I am engaged!!' screams of delight pierce my little bubble, i realised i would have to have some of them toddlers in my life, by the next 15 years. Oh dear. Folic Acid, Iron, Vitamins... I guess here I come.

I also started thinking more about the wedding itself. Every little girl wants to get married in a church with bells chiming and choirs singing and flowers scattered at your feet. But the reality is, of course, quite different. As it turns out, culture, tradition, and family determine that wedding of yours. Not that I'm against chinese weddings, but somehow the idea of a large hotel wedding, impersonal and cold, does not in the least bit thrill me to bits. I want a small and personal wedding, where i can take the centre stage (with my husband of course), where i can drink without restraint (hello, it's my wedding), and sing and dance like a fool without worrying about what my relatives think. Yes, unfortunately, it has been that sort of relationship with most of my relatives and i'm not looking forward to sharing one of the milestones in my life with them, thank you very much.

Bitterness aside, i am excited to have good music at my wedding. I started compiling a list of music i would like at my wedding, although i haven't decided which to have the first dance too. I suppose he could decide that one.
Thus far, the list I have conjured includes the following:

Sky - Joshua Radin & Ingrid Michaelson
The Way I Am - Ingrid Michaelson
Make you Feel my love - Adele

I expect this list to grow, as does my longing for the upcoming magical moments of my life.

Joshua Radin

So for the first time in my life, i plunged.
Well, not quite really, but somewhat.
I bought a concert ticket. Single, please.
That much i like Joshua Radin.

the economic argument against health inequalities

Why is it only when we quantify in dollar terms the potential economic payoff of health improvements in lower and middle income countries, then we have policy makers and governments responding?

Human rights and capitalism/neo-liberalism are at odds, i don't understand why this is such a hard concept to grasp.

Not all will have the right to life, basic health services, culturally appropriate and nutritious food, and education, when money and comfort is all we in the developed world care about. A token donation and off you go is not enough. We need to realise that privatization of markets, particularly health care, is unethical and inhumane.

It's been almost 40 years since the release of the groundbreaking Alma Ata Declaration, where countries around the world agreed to work towards a more equal global society and equal health outcomes. We are nowhere near our goal back then. Since then, we have come up with more declarations, more goals (e.g. the Millenium Development Goals), and more understanding about what causes ill health. Enough talk, I reckon 40 years is more than enough for bureaucrats to sit in their ivory towers. We need to act, and in acting, we need to pledge the willingness to forsake the capitalist visions of profit making and consumerism.

How long more...

Big Tobacco

So I went out for coffee with my friends and one of them brought her visiting friends along.

One of those visiting friends works for big tobacco, a big public enemy of those in public health.

I didn't want to get into a debate plus tobacco isn't really my field - don't really understand the politics behind it. But moral grounds wise, I was feeling a bit odd and to be honest, disgusted. I must admit, I think his occupation marred my impression of him a bit, although it really shouldn't. Research has shown that people tend to compartmentalize and even if they serve organisations that do openly 'immoral' things like advertise to children or in this case, sell tobacca, this aspect does not filter into their personal lives - they can still be fantastic fathers, mothers, friends, etc.

But still, why would anyone want to servce an organisation which causes cancer, cardiovascular problems, and other health risks to the population?
I truly don't get it.

Daughtry

I reckon the tunes on Daughtry's new album aren't too fantastically written, compared to the previous album. However, what makes the album worthy of attention is his voice.

His voice makes the songs sound a lot better than they should sound - just like Jessica Simpson's voice makes her songs sound a lot worse than they should sound. I suppose that's why he got so far on American Idol.

Daughtry, like Snow Patrol, are what i call epic-sounding bands. The type that would make you wave your hands & sway, the type that makes you want to immerse into yourself.
Or perhaps that's just me?

its funny what girls say, when you're not 'that size' anymore...

After a coffee and about 2-3 drinks for the others, we launched into a discussion about one of our's friend's insane diet. Then suddenly, the spotlight seemed to land quite quickly and unexpectedly upon me.

P: You know, you were too skinny the first time i saw you! Now you are optimal sized.

M: Oh really? Can't imagine!! You lost a bit of weight from last year huh? Based on arm size. Now looks good!

Now P & M are fantastically well-meaning people. Sweet and quite Politically Correct, when they can.
But this conversation kind of threw me off. Not to say I was upset or angry, but I then started wondering about the times they met me when I was not, as I shall say, 'my optimal size'.
What were their thoughts then?

I suppose we got to think twice about saying these things sometimes.

I really enjoy the randomness of my brain.

l says:
i think you write prettily
like a flower on a tree trunk blooming in the sunlight as the snail waltzs pass with wavering eyes and slime trails

l said (1:06 PM):
you should try it too
just do like a streamofconsciousness writing
write whatever comes

L says:
you don't need +
H+
you're H+
you're like a spilled strawberry margarita trickling into a stream with jumping salmon

the morning

i don't think many people can truly appreciate the morning, probably the same way i can not truly appreciate the night.
there's really nothing so beautiful as a spotless sky, magnificent sunlight streaming through the open windows, the wild mix of various birds talking, and a good cup of tea after a nice long run and shower.
Really. nothing.
knowing that the rest of the nation is slowly awakening, getting on about.
truly, the mornings are the best time for life.

I decided to return the shoes - i don't need them. I don't.

The clouds in the sky look like marble swirls.

I would like a slice of marble cake, please.

Coffee, flowers, sunshine, and gale force winds

Madness, this insane blustery day.

But the beauty lay in the conversation on family M and I had over coffees, this time, her 'shout'. The conversation got me to reflect more on parenting, family, and the roles they have in our lives, us disparate floating souls who have left home for some time.
Somehow, i wish I had a closer relationship with them but perhaps age and culture has prevented us from doing so.
It's a bit painful, sometimes, to think of my family and growing up.

Imogen Heap

I've not heard any of Imogen Heap's music, other than Hide and Seek - not until 2 days ago.
And now I have the whole discography.
It is the life, her strange lilting voice in the sunlight, a cup of tea, and a good essay to write.

I've been feeling light inside for a while now, so light i cannot understand how the darkness had existed so bleakly just 3 years ago.
They say it is important to be grateful - certainly no easy feat but who can't help but keep trying?

Back to the blog life?

It's been a while since I've blogged.
I have created and destroyed, perhaps by now, 3-4 blogs, including a group blog with my best friends. The invention of facebook and the non-stop essays I have to write as a result of university has left me a bit tired of writing and reflecting.
However, that also meant losing track of my life and not taking time to slow down and structure what is going on inside.
So this is solo blog version #3, inspired by my boyfriend's own blog.
Perhaps this means i might end up taking time out to organise my thoughts.
However, I think I will be giving myself the leeway to put disparate thoughts in - just because it's my blog. You know, a narcissist's playground.